Adoption is a funny thing. Most days I am just a very busy mother, but some days adoption thoughts seem overwhelming. I know not all adoptive parents may wrestle with the thoughts, ideas, and language of adoption, but I do. I want to be thinking about things from all sides. I want to think about how my kids will someday view their adoption and the circumstances surrounding it. I want to think about the men and women who contributed their genes and gave my children the gift of life. How do they think about adoption and how would they want me to explain it to their biological children?
A lot of factors seem to be coming together in my life right now to further shape my theology of adoption. First of all, my son is turning two tomorrow. It makes me think about how for a few days he lay in the NICU before I met him. He belonged to the State of Nebraska, but had no mother by his side. When I think how much joy he brings to me each day, how blessed I am to get to experience his life, how I would give my life to protect him it is hard for me to fathom that for those few days he may have seemed to the outside world to be “unwanted”. He was so very wanted, he just didn’t know it yet. And I think about his first mother and the emotions she must have been wrestling with that day.
I have also been having conversations with a friend about adoption and the reality of parenting a child you didn’t birth. There is so much that is beautiful about adoption, but especially for the family that has already been blessed by biological kids there are some scary aspects, too. One of those scary things can be imagining birthparent involvement. It has been hard for me to express how this idea of birthparent involvement that once scared me off of domestic adoption entirely is now one of its biggest selling points to me.
And then there is the blog reading I’ve been doing. I have been so frustrated I find myself shaking my fist at the computer screen. I have been reading the blogs of angry birthmothers and it is heartbreaking to me to see their view of adoption and of adoptive parents. I hate it, but I think it is important to challenge the typical views and realize that my kids may run into these ideas in their own lives. I have been amazingly blessed to have friendships with two women who made adoption plans for their babies (they were my friends long before I knew that fact about them) and do not share the views of these angry ladies. And just because I have an educational moment here- please don’t say “gave up her baby for adoption” because these women are far from giving up on their babies by making an adoption plan, and please don’t say “put their baby up for adoption” because it is language originally used to describe how older orphaned children in the Orphan Train days were put up on a stage so prospective parents could look them over. That is not how I want the adoption of my children described. I like “placed them for adoption”, but “made an adoption plan” is even better. Moving on-
So all of this has gotten me thinking about the Biblical idea of adoption. We like to acknowledge a common spiritual adoption for those who claim Christ. This is a beautiful idea and very scriptural. So why are there those in the adoption community, particularly birthparents, who find it hard to swallow? I think we need to identify the elements common to spiritual adoption and literal adoption and acknowledge that there are differences. I am no theologian and I’m sure there are already scholars who have put these thoughts out there better than I am going to, but this is what I’ve been contemplating.
In both spiritual adoption and legal adoption there is nothing the adoptee can do to earn their adoption. I love that and I want my kids to never feel like they have to earn my love because they are adopted. In spiritual and legal adoption the parent accepts the child as though born to them with all the rights and privileges. In Daniel’s adoption proceedings we had to agree that he had all rights to our inheritance (little though it may be) just as a child born to us would. I love that in our spiritual adoption there is the same concept- we are called “sons of God” and we are given rights to a spiritual inheritance. I think there is even a deeper concept of the Jewish people as God’s original plan and the rest of us as the grafted in. We now have the chance to receive the benefits of being God’s chosen people the same way the Jews did. For my friends who adopt after having biological kids, I think this is particularly meaningful.
So why is this idea distasteful to some people? When we talk about our spiritual adoption, we often speak of what we were “saved” from. Because we are now children of God, we are saved from the consequences of our sin. Saved from the life we used to live. Saved from hopelessness, despair, a pointless existence. I have found in talking to adoptive parents, we detest the idea that we “saved” our kids. We don’t like it when people use language that implies it- when people talk about what good people we are to have adopted our child. We see only how amazing our child is and how blessed we are to love them, so why would loving them make us “good”? If those people are right, it would stand to reason that our child should spend the rest of their life trying to pay us back with a heart of gratitude to earn our continued favor. That is not the relationship I want from my child. I want him to chose to love me because of the relationship we build, not because of the fact that there may have been difficult circumstances if he had stayed in his birth environment. I think that’s what God wants from us too, although I think it is impossible to not have that heart of gratitude when we realize what we truly were saved from. This makes spiritual adoption different from legal adoption- what we were saved from is a reality we know, what our children may or may not have been “saved” from is purely speculation and has nothing to do with why they are loved.
I also see this idea being hurtful to birth families. I’m not just guessing about that, there are plenty of blog posts from both birth families and adopted adults about how people communicating to them that spiritual adoption and legal adoption are the same thing was detrimental to them and their understanding of the Gospel. If we think about what we’re communicating the alternative is in spiritual adoption- if we were not “adopted”, then we deserve hell- what are we communicating to the birthmother? This made me start to consider the biblical examples of adoption and birthparents. Does the adoption analogy have its limits? I think it does.
When thinking about Biblical birthparents I like to look at Moses. There is so much meat in that story, but what if we’re just looking at the example there of birthparent? That mother loved her son and made a very literal adoption plan for him based on his best interests. I’m sure it was heartbreaking to her and she didn’t know how it would turn out- would she ever have a relationship with him? But she did what was best for that child in spite of the pain it caused her. As transracially adoptive parents we look to Moses as inspiration- God, let us raise our child in a way that they could meaningfully return to their birth culture. Did having contact with his birthmother even if it was just as an infant make that easier for Moses? She did not cease to be meaningful to his life just because she did not raise him to adulthood.
When I think of birthmothers, I also think of Hannah. We generally just think of her as an example of a godly woman battling infertility and her story has great meaning from that perspective. But we also see she chose to dedicate that child to God and allow him to be raised by Eli in the temple. Sounds like an adoption plan to me. Was this because she didn’t want him or was being irresponsible? Nope. It was totally out of obedience and because she felt that was what was best for her son.
I’m not even going to begin to try and unpack the idea of God as “birthfather” by sending Jesus. I would hate to be blasphemous in any way. We do see Joseph as an adoptive father loving and raising a child not biologically related to him. I’ll let you think through your own thoughts on the benefits to Jesus if he had been able to stay with his Father.
So all these thoughts lead me back to this idea that it is important as an adoptive parent I’m not communicating to my child that I rescued them or extend the spiritual adoption analogy in such a way that makes them feel uncomfortable about their birth families. And I want to be a wee bit aggressive about not letting other people do that to my kids, not only because I love my kids but because I deeply love their first mothers. I want my kids to see the Biblical examples of adoption as examples of love from all sides. I’m not saying that the birthparents of my children were perfect or that I intend to minimize the sad circumstances that brought them into my life. I think my kids have sadder stories than most and I hate for them to bare that burden, but I also know I can’t spare them from it. My job is to be honest about their birthparents and to give them information as they are able to handle it. And to express that information with as much love and gentleness as I can. I don’t think we’ll do a perfect job or that by doing it this way I can help my child avoid having “adoption issues”, I just want my children to know that my total and unconditional love for them extends outward and down into their biological roots.
Adoption is messy. It makes family trees into family forests. It stretches us beyond what we may have pictured for our lives. It forces us to answer tough questions and question what answers we thought we knew. But it is also just parenting and loving a child you chose to give your family name. It is the most rewarding endeavor I have ever been part of and I’m so thankful for the wide circle of people to love it has brought into my life.
Happy birthday, Danny! I’m so thankful for the mom who gave you life and so thankful for the mom you’ve helped me become.
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